Balance / Imbalance

Last night I mentioned my book to a friend and realized I hadn't touched it in a long time. This morning I opened it up again to re-read, to see where I stopped, to remind myself.

When I began it, it was an exercise and a challenge I set for myself as a writer, and it was an exploration, a therapeutic process. It was an attempt to understand. 

When I began it, I was one of the book's two main characters. I've always known that. But now, as I re-read it after nearly a year of avoidance, I am -- I am, clearly -- the other one. I can see my gestures as I read her. I can watch myself sitting in her skin.

I said once that this was the story of me meeting me in a dive bar. They were both always there. But I never expected this new one to be the one on the outside. 

I can't help but wonder if I have rebuilt my Self in this last year around a character I half-discovered, half-created. Even if I was truly aware of her characteristics impatiently waiting their turn in there, how is it that their manifestation is so strikingly similar to the woman I'm reading? I'm trying not to think too much about that.

I suppose there's a lesson in it, regardless; I suppose I should take care not to drown that first character in the second one, now that they've traded places. I suppose I should look after them both now.

Time to put the book away for a little while longer, I think.